"Even after your own personal Calvary, you need clean underwear."

"Sometimes Fate spreads the irony thicker than peanutbutter on a Gracelandwich."

"God had birthed the sky, spanked its butt, washed it clean, and sent it out to play."

"I'd awakened to a hangover and romantic disappointment. I'd already spent a chunk of my day looking for parking and listening to Real Bob defend his behavior. When I got home, it was my turn to clean the dog poop out of the back yard. Gloating in my detective work was likely to be the high point of my day. I wanted a room full of suspects, à la Hercule Poirot, in which to make the guilty party squirm. I wanted a spotlight and solemn stillness. Instead, I got a room full of chicken gravy, waitresses, rattling plates, and rooster art. Must've been a real bad-ass in some past life to catch this kind of karma."